Stirrings

(wrote a long while ago.blogging now)
I am scared of myself. From what they see,people often call me sweet,nice,agreeable,helping etc.but i only know how different i am than what i appear to people.There is a very dark,dangerous side to me that is exclusively inside my head.We say every person has two faces.a good one and a bad one. but the bad face i own is particularly dangerous.. i guess because of my constant thinking of cause and effect theory,i've come to a stage where i can somehow justify and even trivialize some of the worst crimes that the history of human society has witnessed. by justify, i don't mean i approve of them. i only mean that i can understand the circumstances that led someone to commit those crimes. and suddenly that feeling of extreme disgust and disbelief regarding a crime is replaced by an indifferent,calculated,cold reason. Intellect is a double edged sword. if someone is smart enough,their intellect combined with a prolonged period of self-imposed exile can eventually cause them to be,at least for a while,a nihilist -someone who is disillusioned and no longer believes in anything that is regarded by the society as typically good or bad. everything loses its meaning and what stares back at you is a meaningless,absurd,dangerously isolated,silent world full of evil. A feeling of being defeated by life. mocked by life. like an unknown power giving out a malicious laugh from behind the veil that is pulled over our eyes. a realization that all the promises made to us were hollow and that we were so juvenile to believe in them. the new realization that liberates you also leaves you defeated.

I've my periods of nihilism alternating with the commonplace hope and utopia. I don't know what's the exact tipping point that causes me to shift from one extreme to the other. it might be a very small thing such as reading a comment on facebook or seeing something trivial on television. just about anything can set me off and so begins the cyclone of thoughts that ultimately washes me off to either of the philosophical shores. But for the outside world, i have pretty much learnt to look even all the time. the puzzle can be locked into deeper corners in my head for later unriddling when i am alone.

It is the nihilist phase that is scary. mainly because it can not be challenged, for it is 'the' fundamental truth. and boy, is it bitter? slowly the feeling of silent defeat is replaced by anger. the great frustration now seeks revenge upon a faceless enemy .hence,although this phase is unsettling, it is also empowering. Anger makes me feel strong.do things i won't dare to do otherwise. and now i can completely identify with captain ahab of moby-dick. someone who would dare god if he meets him to a mortal combat. even in the face of a certain defeat,he will fight. for the flawed, incoherent world that the god has created and for his cruel mockery of adding conscience into humans to perceive this incoherence and feel defeated by him for ever and ever. But you realize that even your anger is futile. it is justifiable but where does it lead? nowhere. what does it achieve? nothing. and who does it fight against? nobody. it just burns inside you and eats you,erodes you from within,withering away all the compassion,love,fairness and hope in you. you don't even feel human anymore.. you have just destroyed everything that you once stood for. you are defeated but still brimming with pride. you are acutely aware of your intellectual sharpness and think of yourself as an elite superhuman. someone who need not obey the laws made for the mediocre people. but the same unforgiving self analysis also tells you that your pride is all hollow. like a bloated balloon that even a lowly,mediocre ordinary pin can instantly burst. you see the examples of random kindness in the world amidst the harrowing evil. you wonder how some people still have hope. can't they see that it will still be ultimately meaningless no matter how much they strive for a meaning? how can they be so involved with life? so devoted to living and doing everything human'ish'? are they dumb? because if they are smart like me then,they will join me in this gloomy, hopeless ride to nowhere. is ignorance bliss? ohh..it is not my fault that i am capable of dissecting things until i find the truth. it is not my fault that i can see through the veil. if i am smart then why am i not happy? how do these people get to be happy and at peace while i am tossing and turning on the inside? it is not fair. nothing is fair.nothing.

But then slowly another realization occurs to you. being aware is any day better than being ignorant. but may be it's the reaction to the truth where i am missing the whole point. why fight? why not accept? accept not as in defeat but coming to terms with an unchangeable,solid reality. why not just give yourself completely to life? you can't fight against yourself. you are a product of this nature too, you are bound by its laws so whether you like it or not, you have to play along. for your own sake. for your happiness. for the love of someone. make someone happy. save a life. you are far too smart to realize that your good deeds won't place you on any higher moral ground because inherently there is no morality or goodness. your nihilist friend has told you that already. so whatever you do, you do it because it feels good that way. without expectations. they say it's a human need to be loved. i say differently. i say the real human need is to have someone to love. to see your pain in their eyes and help them to ease your inner turmoil. god left us here to fend for ourselves and the best way to express your frustration is not by taking a sword and going on a war with him but by helping another suffering soul and bringing some harmony in the chaos, some steadiness in the turbulence..

and thus, the cyclone this time has washed me away to the other, rather peaceful shore.
but slyly waiting for another blast of wind to throw me off into the water so it can again swirl me and take me to the other side from where it just brought me back.

and the sweeping of the poor me from here to there just goes on...

p.s. i am not a psychiatric patient. trust me.

A Teacher par excellence

   (Dr. Stephen Hicks, Professor of Philosophy at Rockford College,Illinois,USA)

One thing I wanna say to Dr.Stephen Hicks (even though there is no way that he can know it) who has his multiple videos uploaded on youtube and teaches us about things in life that I have had profound interest in --

                                               
                                          *** YOU ARE MY HERO ***


What I spent last ten years searching for and asking myself and pondering and questioning over, all that exercise which was so painful and made worse by the darkness of the path I was traveling 'all alone', all those things I felt in me but my limited power of expression and the intricacy of the topic itself caused them to remain locked up inside me have finally found a voice that is not just eloquent but also compassionate and lucid. Although, I did reach the end of my trail on my own and life from here does look brighter than ever, although the greatest thinkers of postmodern era held my hand and showed me the steps I should take, it is this guy who summed up my journey in the perfect words. He just has a knack of saying all the right things that strike a perfect cord with my feelings. Thanks for being there Dr.Hicks and consider this post as my tribute to your genius and to your efforts in letting it reach us in the most clear way. Thanks for being such a great teacher.

Einstein Baba..

Everybody knows who Albert Einstein was. But a very few might be aware that apart from being a scientist of highest caliber and a Nobel laureate, he was also a wise, clear thinking philosopher. His views on life are a direct extension of his phenomenal work in physics and science in general. Here, he presents his philosophy in the simplest words that can be understood by all. Any person with a little inquisitiveness and original thinking will find something to stop and ponder over in his quotes that follow. Frankly, it surprises me when some people shrug at the mere mention of the word 'philosophy' and assume that their existence has nothing to do with it. Well, if life is a river then philosophy is its flow. Philosophy is not just a subject, it is life and you are living it every moment. How can you be not interested in something when you are in the middle of it?  Anyway. Go through the following quotes. I am sure they will be an interesting and insightful read.


"A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive."

"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.There is nothing divine about morality; it is a purely human affair." ( I remember in my article- Conversations With God-  I had put forth this view regarding morality being born and bred in human conscience and not dictated by some imaginary supreme being. Einstein said the same thing. Swell moment :p )
 
"My religiosity consists in a humble admiration of the infinitely superior spirit that reveals itself in the little that we, with our weak and transitory understanding, can comprehend of reality. Morality is of the highest importance -- but for us, not for God."

"I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotism."
(For more on Einstein and his philosophical views, visit this. If you are  interested in his scientific work, the same weblink has some great collection of that stuff as well.)

Know Thyself

( being a member of human species which is self-aware unlike other animals and has the capacity to think, i was bound to question some basic aspects of my existence in this mind boggling universe. and in order to make sense of things, i always relied upon the power of human intellect and logical reasoning rather than on mystic faith and blind belief. the purpose of my life, the nature of this universe, the concept of god, the good and the evil, who's to decide the codes of morality and what separates right from wrong, these questions have haunted me from as long as i can remember. but now, i am slowly getting my answers. i make no more demands from this place, i don't seek for coherence and rationality behind its ways. i take the world the way it is. i take full responsibility of my life and accept the absurd around me as it is.)

In your every beauty, there is malice. In malice, there is innocence and indifference.

In your infinity my creator, of what value is my existence?

Gazing at the starry skies, behind that angelic beauty,

Looms a despairing pointlessness which my heart alone sees.

Billion jewels scattered in space. Some bright, some dead.

Spinning and rotating is all their fate.

My abode is pretty .Here clouds gather, they roar and pour.

Waves retreat and again crash on the shore.

The emerald carpet, it breathes and blooms. Soon worn out, retires into gloom.

Life in its inception was branded with doom.

Primordial life, it crept and evolved.

Here I am, still riding the wave. Dazed and unaware of ‘where’ and 'why' of it all.

Is human existence mere instinctual? It observes, it questions.

The thing that beats in me, pines for a purpose.

What do we stand for? Let me hear.

Live till 70 or die tomorrow. A mere blink in your cosmic year.

But it was long before I realized, I was shooting in the dark.

Universe will always be silent to all our cries and calls.

Like Sisyphus, we all roll our own boulders up the hill.

All the while knowing, it will slide back down the moment we reach the peak.

Now I know what I tried to seize and hold was nothing but the sand that slipped out through my fingers before I could know.

The world is absurd and shall remain so.

Go; wrap it in pretty ribbon of mystic faith and sing in its praise with eloquence,

It’s only truth that I shall forever behold.

So now, with the fall of my delusion, where should I go?

Bemoan the loss and wander in negation? Lose hopes and burn in nihilism?

No!!!

I chose rugged truth over a cozy lie.This randomness, I won't curse nor defy.

I confront it and in its face, I’ll stand tall and smile.

I have reached the end of my trail.

I need no death or faith to free me. I am already liberated.

Nothing imprisons me. no god, no religion, no fear of hell, no lure of heaven.

And still my values stand. Not imposed but rather chosen.

Though in this randomness, everything is justified.
the good and the bad, thrive alongside in the same empty sky.

But our sufferings are real and life is sacred.

And in upholding its sanctity, I find the way of my life.

'Call Me Ishmael' and the Loomings..

This post is a compilation of some of the most moving passages from the novel 'Moby Dick', a novel considered by many to be a masterpiece and the best American novel to this date.The themes tackled in this novel are far deeper than what appears in its fairly simple plot line.I am trying to create a mental framework that shall help me dive deeper into the book before actually embarking upon my reading voyage. Excellent 'sparknotes' on the internet have been a great help in this regard. I am dead sure the author will compel me to push the limits of each of my philosophical neurons to clinch the message he is trying to convey. All my collective observations and interpretations about the way i have seen this life are going to be put to test. Now this is not a book for entertainment. It's not even for the brain, as brain is limited by its understanding of only the tangible, literal things. This book is for the heart, if i can put it that way. It is for Someone who observes and interprets and not just sees and registers. Someone who frequently breaks away from the civilization to look within. It is for a soul that is conscious of the ultimate fatality at every second of its life and has questioned the innate banality of existence often. I have been forewarned that the book can be tiresome in its few chapters due to its detailing of the technicalities of the whole whaling business,but i am game for it.

For starters, this book is a narrative from a man who decides to go on a long sea voyage out of a deep spiritual quest and ends up with a group of disparate, notably uncivilized but enormously courageous men brought together by one common formidable task of hunting a huge white sperm whale. The ship's captain named Ahab is a mighty heroic figure. He is an angry, vengeful man who won't rest until he kills the whale-Moby Dick. But the plot and the characters in the book are mere metaphors for somethings deeper that can't be easily put down on a paper.

Let me also warn my readers that if they don't know much about the book, the passages can be difficult to comprehend. Basically due to the lack of proper context (I am to blame). But if you are really interested in understanding them, follow this link . I don't really expect comments on this post. This post is for myself. When emotionally overwhelmed, some people talk to themselves..while i write to myself :)

1) All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick. He piled upon the whale’s white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart’s shell upon it.

2) And there is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces. And even if he for ever flies within the gorge, that gorge is in the mountains; so that even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar.

3) "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee. Sink all coffins and all hearses to one common pool! and since neither can be mine, let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, though tied to thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!" - Cap.Ahab

4) however baby man may brag of his science and skill, and however much, in a flattering future, that science and skill may augment; yet for ever and for ever, to the crack of doom, the sea will insult and murder him, and pulverize the stateliest, stiffest frigate he can make; nevertheless, by the continual repetition of these very impressions, man has lost that sense of the full awfulness of the sea which aboriginally belongs to it.

5) these are the times of dreamy quietude, when beholding the tranquil beauty and brilliancy of the ocean's skin, one forgets the tiger heart that pants beneath it; and would not willingly remember, that this velvet paw but conceals a remorseless fang.

6) Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off--then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.

Beautiful. Insanely good. Brilliant. Can't wait to begin.

In Search of a Balance

Alright ! Enough of this internal journey and exploration thing. Guess i have given more than required time for 'knowing myself' and 'enlightenment' and stuff :D. I am getting a feeling that my upper chakras have grown so enormously big that they are now shadowing and scaring the under developed lower ones. (I don't believe in the theories of chakras. It's just to let you know what i mean in a concise way). It was a nice experience though. I have traveled greatly inside my mind and spent tonnes of ATP's over this expedition. All in an attempt to get to know things better, dissecting human emotions, philosophical reading and so on. (oh i am no scholar in these subjects. not even close. If you ask me theories of it, i won't be able to answer you. I only got a better grasp over things that i felt but didn't understand at that time). It was all immensely helpful. Some questions and some of my own deductions were boiling up inside me and i needed somebody to share them with. So books became my friends and my mind-- my experimental lab. and my dear readers too happily participated and helped me further with their views on things. Thank you all. It definitely added an extra dimension to my personality. Now i've a reason to believe that i am not that naive anymore :).

But lately, i have had this irksome feeling that i am concentrating too much upon my internal world and completely neglecting the outer one. Both things need to be balanced out properly for our optimum growth as a person. I had even begun to feel a bit  'trapped'  inside my body :P..It was too small a place for a spirit so enormous (Not bragging. but the way our spirit takes flight and roams freely in the world of imagination, it can never be matched by our bodies ). Sometimes i wished i could disappear and look at the world more closely without humanly limitations (it happens, seriously. not kidding). But now, i am coming out. But still, i have one reason to worry -- my habit of going at an extreme of anything i undertake should not make me so outwardly oriented this time that i begin to neglect the inner growth completely :D..Strike out a balance Namrata. Stop being a pendulum that always goes on either ends. Gotta take out that hyper active battery from inside me.Anyways, it's always good to lead an 'examined' life and look at your actions from a third person's view and correct whenever you see yourself going off the path. Born as a human, gotta do what it takes to survive out here. Guess that one year of hectic internship, which was a huge worldly experience in itself, had pushed me to this extreme as a knee jerk reaction.

And one more thing that makes me happy is that i didn't outsource my job of seeking inner peace into the hands of any guru/baba or amma/mata (latest hottest industry). Your brain is not a software that someone else can write codes for it. You gotta tend the soil yourself if you want a rose.

p.s. I won't stop posting things related to philosophy or introspection here. As i said, it won't be a total cut-off. My blog is only a tiny part of my mind. And i will feed it with interesting things whenever i come up with one. And the purpose of writing my new resolution here on a blog was just to reinforce the thought on my mind. I hate to write on a paper so i write here.

The Rubaiyat

Selected verses from  'The Rubaiyat'  of  Omar Khayyam. ( a Persian polymath of the 11th century )
Originally written in Persian language. Below is its literal English translation which i luckily found during one of my random surfing escapades. Read on and plunge yourself into the beauty of his writing.

"The secrets eternal, neither you know nor i

and answers to the riddle, neither you know nor i

Behind the veil there is much talk about us, why

when the veil falls, neither you remain nor i"

Don't permit sorrow to be your friend

sadness and pain will become your trend

Don't let the book or the farm you tend

rule your life before to earth you descend

Once transpired can not be changed

only pain will come if remorse engaged

Though with sorrow you may be aged

Not even a dot will be rearranged

All my companions, one by one they died

with angel of death, they now reside

In the banquet of life, the same wine we tried

a few cups back, they fell to the side

Some always seek the rational mind

some will appeal to faith that's blind

If you turn within, you will surely find

both paths will lead you further behind

I would rather be compassionate

than piously pray and fast

God is loving, god is great

He is my destroyer, He is my mate

The grass that grows by every stream

like angelic smiles faintly gleam

Step gently, cause it not to scream

for it has grown from a lover's dream

When the creator forged the nature

why imperfect was the venture

If it is good, why departure

and if bad, why form the capture

Anxiously i began this course

with life, my awe grew even worse

Unwillingly returned with force

what was the point, i ask my source

Beloved friends let's gather

for each other, together care

With raised cup, salute and share

in memory of he who isn't there

In the wheel of fortune, the unseen vine

drink, be merry, wait your turn in line

When it is your turn, neither cry nor whine

everyone must taste the same deadly wine

Oh friend, lets not think of tomorrow

cherish this moment, far from sorrow

Life is a temporal gift that we borrow

whether dead for ages or leave tomorrow"...

and in homage to his genius, a little nothing from this lesser mortal 

"all the religions and philosophies, your poem transcends
 a tired soul of mine , in your love it comes and rests
 wait a while ,see the beauty it says
 drink in the dawn before dusk pervades"

...

Resolving never to watch/read political news is one of the most sensible decisions I've made in my whole unremarkable life!! I would much rather stay on the unfashionable bylanes than join the respected chaotic mainstream. At least I get to keep my sanity. To hell with all that nonsense.



-my hermitic tendencies



And by the way, calling yourself agnostic is the safest bet when you don't give a dingo's kidney about the whole issue. That way atheists won't ridicule you for being ignorant or believers won't loathe you for being arrogant plus you give out an impression that you 'think'.

-i have no idea why i said that.

To be, or not to be, that is the question.

“There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. Deciding whether or not life is worth living is to answer the fundamental question in philosophy. All other questions follow from that.” 

opening line from the book  'The Myth of Sisyphus' by A.Camus

Needless to say, I am coming to you Mr.Camus. I want to see how you dealt wit the question. Finally, met somebody who questioned the same thing and probably came up with an answer too. Big relief. To find somebody who can understand. I don't expect any answers. It's enough just to have someone listen to you and not call you crazy.Can i drink from your well Mr. Camus ? I wanna see how that water tastes.

p.s. To all my dear readers who are also my well wishers - Oshonica has not decided to die :p . She loves mystery and what bigger mystery you have other than life? I am trying to solve it but the best part about the whole exercise is--it's never going to be solved :) . Bamboozled? don't worry.happens.peace.I have taken the 'red pill' already. The choice has been made. I am here to understand why i made it.

Strange Connections

I have always tried to figure out why I am always so keen on visiting sea shores whenever the topic of vacation comes up. It’s as if my mind has got the words,vacation and ocean,wedded to each other forever. Not to underestimate the beauty of green hills or snowy mountains , vast deserts or eager waterfalls, but to me there is nothing as profound and mysterious as the ocean. I set out on my journey and while cruising along that serpentine hill road, no matter how tiring the journey has been,the first glimpse of that distant sparkling water lifts my spirits in a jiffy. And as I move closer,the glimpses become more and more frequent until finally the ocean reveals itself to me in it’s full dominating,magnificent glory. And for a moment,I am lost.Instead of raising the pressure on the gas pedal to hurry up the meeting ,I purposefully slow down to relish this beautiful experience. I am in no rush to hug my old pal.In fact I take it slow. I need my time to trace and reconnect my old relations with him.

I remember the first time when I went with my parents to Goa and witnessed this miracle called ocean,I was neither scared nor brimming with enthusiasm.I was instead puzzled and lost ,for I had never seen anything so huge in my tiny life span.I kept looking at it with an awe-struck and surprised countenance. So many years have gone by since then and so many visits have been made, but not a  thing has changed about my first reaction at the sight of this beautiful monster.

But once that initial stage of mute reverence wears off and I finally hit the beach,I want no more of that silent expectant wait.I just want to rush and feel the cold water kiss my feet.But my legs fail me for they aren’t made for running on that thick bed of sand. And even if anybody tries to do that, he ends up looking like a waddling little duck ,the sight of which is oddly funny. So I,condemned to being too self conscious,am forced to take it slow. But the wait is worth it. As I come nearer the water ,the joy of throwing those slippers away and feeling the cold water on my feet can’t be compared with anything else. “This is precisely what I am here for,for this very moment”, I tell myself. As I push myself farther, the waves get stronger and try to drag me along on their return journey. I wonder if it’s really the force of water or that odd desire of my heart that wants me to be washed away with it, taken away from the wretched land of sins into the timelessness of this vast ocean in front of me (don't be scared,I am not suicidal). And once again ,I feel that strange connection I had with the oceans. Something pulls me towards it. Probably, the beautiful memories I take home from my previous visits get blurred with time.They get erased,one by one and what remains with me is only the 'pleasant feeling' I had experienced.Those fogged memories further add to the surreality of the whole experience and makes it so beautifully haunting that I feel the urge to go back to it again and again to relive that old connection. I don’t exactly set out for the oceans with an idea of jumping wildly into the water.I can very well sit on the shore for long and stare at that jostling water without a blink. What a beautiful thing this ocean is! It’s serene and threatening at the same time. At times, it lies still like a wise mountain sage but when it roars in its wicked powerful rage, even the biggest of the big ships hold on to their dear lives. It has the calm of deep spiritual knowledge but also has the fury of a scorned poor man. Often it comes across as a devoted, caring father who looks after the life that’s entirely depending on him. The life that thrives in it. With so many human emotions displayed, how can we call it non living ?

Sometimes while roaming on a beach at night, if I close my eyes, the crashing sound of the waves hitting the shore gives me goose bumps. What is it? Just a massive collection of water or the nature’s beautiful liquid poetry?

May be this queer feeling comes from realizing how minuscule we are in front of this nature. Our worries, our problems, they dissolve to nothingness in this enormous ocean. And I quietly surrender myself to it, not in defeat but in awe of its ungraspable glory. In its unquestionable superiority .A complete surrender.While floating in that water, it’s not just your body but also the mind  that feels light. Because the  weight of all needless concerns and unnecessary issues which it carries, also gets lifted off. Thus,whenever I get tired of the same old daily routine, my mind desires to seek its release into the arms of the ocean. Everybody should have a place where they can completely let go of themselves and feel one with the nature. Mine is oceans. And if anybody asks me where I would want to spend my next vacation, my answer is ready. “Salty waters.Here I come, baby.”

(the urge for writing this post was kindled by Herman Melville's novel 'Moby Dick' since his thoughts on the beauty of the ocean happened to resonate with mine.The word 'ungraspable glory' has been copied unchanged from the book since it pretty much sums up the entire range of emotions which the author of the book and the owner of this blog wanted to convey.)

Conversations With God

I   : God ,are you there?

God (G) : Yes, my dear.

I : Oh! So you are alive!

G : Why,of course I am alive!

I : Oh..That Nietzsche guy said that you were dead and thus human beings were now free.But I thought,I should just check it out myself.

G : Oh him..Yes.He was right!

I  : What's that supposed to mean? He said you were dead but you are alive.How can he be right?

G  : Because my dear, my death was necessary for me to be truly alive.Mankind had to be freed from the false notions which they only had created ,before they could search the real me.

I  : I don't understand you.

G  : Okay! Let's make it simple.Tell me,don't you need to tear up the cover first before you can see your birthday gift? Or don't you need to break the thick outer crust before you can have that clean, sweet coconut water?

I  : Yes.

G  : So,similarly,my outer crust ,which is nothing but your conventional perception about me ,which you didn't seek yourself but was forced upon you,had to be broken first,if you really wanted to find me.

I  :  And how does one do that? 

G  : By seeking answers for yourself.A ready made answer won't work.It has to come from within you.That would go through two steps.one- questioning,analysis,and stirring up quite a storm in your head and second- settling the storm,plain observation and surrendering yourself to life right here,right now.And both the steps are essential.

I  : God, tell me, what are you really?

G  : I am what you believe me to be.

I : Can you please elaborate?

G :  I am the energy that fills this universe.It exists in different forms.Everything you see around has me in it.Living ,non living..Everything!

I  : God,tell me, are kind or cruel? If you are really that kind and loving as they say,then why do bad things happen?

G   : Energy can never be good or bad.It's like asking what blue color smells like.I am the one that keeps the wheels of this universe turning.And as far as humans are concerned,I am defined by your emotions.It's at your discretion how you want to use me..Good or bad,I become what you make of me.

I  : But what about earthquakes,floods and any other natural disaster ?

G  : I am just an energy which took several forms.Those multiple forms established a complex interplay with each other over billion billion years and through a lot of trial and error,only the best combination survived,others perished.This is why you see the universe the way it is! It has it's own rules.It works on it's own principles.

I  : To which religion do you belong ? 
G  : I don't belong to any particular religion.But all of them belong to me.They all have tried their way of knowing me,finding me,interpreting me.But again,they are only theories and not absolute truth in themselves.That's why they might work for some people but for others, they don't.Hence it is necessary that you seek your own way.

I : Do you then represent morality?

G  : No.I do not represent anything.The sense of morality is the feature of humans.It is born in your conscience over years of evolution.It's your characteristic attribute and it has changed over time.Most of the things you perceive today as cruel used to be the order of the day long time ago.If I represented morality,it would never change.But it is changing and it is refining because that is extremely important for your race to survive.You can't afford to be at war with each other anymore.

I  : God, who created you?

G  : Let me answer that question with a question..Who do you think created me?

I  : Well,I think you have been there forever. No one created you.You probably came from a place where general rules of my universe like time,dimensions don't apply.

G  : Why do you say so?

I  : Because I don't have any other answer.My capacity is limited as I am just a human being.Our scientists are trying to solve the puzzle by putting different pieces together.But we are still nowhere near answering that question.How universe formed, we have a clue,we know about electrons and positrons and how 'big bang' happened..But who made it happen and why,we don't know..That's where we bring you in.

G : If that's the way you think, then be it.

I : Why are you saying that? Are you not gonna explain it to me?

G  : One last question ..You think that you are talking to me..but check again,who are you really talking to ?

I : Oh!! ..I am..I am ...talking to myself ?? How can this be ?? Are you there or not? Oh what a mess!

G  : You see,I am still your perception.I didn't answer anything which you didn't already know.I am your belief.I am your projected image.If you want to believe in me, there will be no place where you can't see me .But if you don't want to believe, you won't find me even in the head offices of your religions i.e. your temples,churches etc.

I: Yes,may be you are right! You are my imagination.Where my reasoning fails, you begin.I had to imagine you because god,the universe you've created is so huge ,so enormously extensive that I just can't comprehend it.I am just a human who has a brain that questions a lot but it doesn't have enough ability to answer them all.We are trying to solve the puzzle,we have understood the rules that bind this universe,we have discovered solar systems and galaxies,we have launched satellites and stepped on the moon.But,it's just a tiny drop in the ocean.We are still far far away.Moreover,I cant get myself to believe in any religion,any philosophy.It is a painful and often hopeless process when you are left disappointed on both the fronts.Or may be, I am doing it all wrong.May be I am looking too hard.May be I should just keep it all aside and calm myself down.Cut out the racing thoughts and listen to the existence.It speaks your language.The atoms and their particles,the EMW and the light,the gravity,the stars the planets,this life,the trees and the people,me,every single cell in my body,you are everywhere god.You are omnipresent..But there is a difference between knowing things and actually realizing them yourself.And it's time for me to understand it,to realize it all myself.

G : Yes! Whether a believer or non believer,it doesn't matter,what matters is that you remain A SEEKER.Knowing me is an ongoing process,that's why those age old teaching don't convince you today.Because they have all remained stagnant.They refused to be changed .If you really want to find me,first you will need to break those shackles and set yourself completely free.You need to step out and cleanse your mind.Along the way,you might face periods of repeated questioning,analysis that ultimately merges with faithlessness and emptiness within you,but don't be scared.Keep going.And if you seek long enough,you will overcome that temporary phase and will reach your center of being and you will become one with the universe.The chaos,the turbulence will end and that's where you will find me!!

( these are purely my views,my way of understanding and making sense of things that have haunted the mankind.I do not claim to know it all,in fact I am as confused as everyone else.this article wasn't written with the purpose of hurting anyone's religious sentiments.and it is in no way meant to please anybody.i write for myself and it's not my problem if you can't agree with me.....sorry about the rudeness !! )

Let's Uncomplicate

"Sometimes it has to be enough just to go to my job, work hard and with focus, then return home to get a few chores done, eat some dinner, shower, and read a book. Nothing fancy, but incredibly blessed nevertheless."

-Robert Bruce Sutherland

Beautiful lines,aren't they? But for a change, they didn't come from any famous writer/poet or any other celebrity.He is in fact a simple person,living somewhere in the United States. Just a while ago,I stumbled upon his profile through one accidental click and had a sweet fortune of reading his 'about me' section which said the lines I mentioned above. It may sound weird to you but after reading them,I felt something changing inside me.Like something chaotic was slowly settling.I don't know how that happened.These are such simple lines,anyone could write them and expect to go perfectly unnoticed. But to me,they carried a great deal of lesson and in a way as simple as it could ever have been possible. I don't call those lines life-changing,but they were soothing nonetheless.Something not magically healing but sweetly calming like your mother's hand on your forehead when you were down with fever or your best friend's pat on your back which lifted your spirits after your bad performance in exams.Really,thank you Rob! Across those thousand miles,you have no idea that you have made someone very happy today!

 I don't know why, but this passive simplicity of human nature as expressed in those lines has always been grossly underrated,even detested with full force. It's a thing that most people don't want to relate to because we all have been taught to compete,to fight, to prove ourselves every day.Why have a Fiat when we can have an Audi? Don't dream small,dream big.Have eyes for the stars.Set your goals high n blah blah. Okay, I know there is nothing wrong in dreaming big but the problem arises when we begin to link our happiness with higher and higher grades of material pursuits.We are so badly trapped in this fast paced life and the bewildering competition that we are no more sure of what we really need to be happy.We begin to get our cues from the world's perception of success. We were all raised to believe that everything in this world is possible,but no one taught us that it's not absolutely mandatory to achieve everything before we can feel good about ourselves.We dream big but when we watch them shatter into pieces,we curse.We blame.We become jealous of other people's success.We compare and we become bitter.And now this jealousy pushes us towards growth instead of a healthy,well-meaning conscience.

But can we really be successful when our own mind is so spiteful,melancholy and rattled ? I believe,only a positive mind can bring a positive change.And for that reason,we need keep the worries aside for a while and revel in the love and kindness that has been luckily bestowed upon us..We are all imperfect and so is this world! Not everyone is fortunate enough to have even this basic reasonable lifestyle.It's important that we realize it, get the burden off of our shoulders and travel light.A simple life may not be fancy but can be peaceful if we embrace it with love.And last but not the least,a simple mind is not without ambitions, it's in fact more likely to succeed because it is better equipped to face the obstacles rolled out on the path of success.

Brink Of Eternity

In desperate hope I go and search for her
in all the corners of my room;
I find her not.

My house is small
and what once has gone from it can never be regained.

But infinite is thy mansion, my lord,
and seeking her I have to come to thy door.

I stand under the golden canopy of thine evening sky
and I lift my eager eyes to thy face.

I have come to the brink of eternity from which nothing can vanish
---no hope, no happiness, no vision of a face seen through tears.

Oh, dip my emptied life into that ocean,
plunge it into the deepest fullness.
Let me for once feel that lost sweet touch
in the allness of the universe.

-Rabindranath Tagore

Reflections

Your empty words won't soothe me,
I am too complex to be tamed by your farcical philosophies.
Your rigid virtues, selfish moralities nauseate me,
Your fake smiles,fake living,fragile egos,
your sick ambitions,selfish aspirations,
I can see it all.But I maintain my silence and an apparent indifference.
But no, I can't follow your ways.Nothing attracts me to such a life,
Your worldly possessions won't allure me.
Your crude patriotism and politics,your fake pride and emotional coldness sicken me.
You are your car,your house,your money,
your parties,your hangovers,your labels and brands,
There's nothing more to you.You end there.
I am an unfinished work,a task in progress,a vessel to be filled,an unexplored continent.
and I will take my time.
Yes,I am a pool of confusion,irony,contradiction,a victim of my own inner upheaval
but I have a chance that you probably don't.
I may be obnoxious because I challenge your ideology,
because I question too much,
because I am not happy with the current state of affairs,
because I ask for some changes.
because at times,I am an atheist and a nihilist,
which creeps you out,
because you can't gather enough courage to face these questions.You are just so afraid.
But there is one more thing that separates us,
You hate me endlessly
but I,
I don't hate you
I don't pity you.
I don't even condemn you.
I only request you to come on this side and see the view.
Who knows,you might be the knowledge we all seek,
you might be the light we need in times so bleak.
But the journey is long and the path is not clear,
and certainly, not without a possibility of a catastrophic failure
like a faithless soul,lost in the vast dark space.
May be that scares you.
But how long can you go on fooling yourself and run away from the 'question' ?
You want a quick-fix, but it's not the solution.
What's the fun in being where you stand right now? A fool's paradise.
You are sitting on a bomb that nastily goes off at all wrong times.In series.
And you are left devastated,your faith crumbled,your hopes crushed and you curse the quick-fix that never promised a permanent cure.
Get a grip.Take a leap of faith.
Explore the deepest corners of your mind,ask questions and seek answers for yourself,
and may be,help us seek ours.
Join in the force of spiritual revolution
give some hope to the next generation
and give them a purpose that's real.
A logical answer and no candy floss, lame answers.
Let's all get together and initiate a wave of change.
In the process,we might lose something,
but was that even worth keeping?
I don't care if human race vanishes from earth in next 100 or 1000 years,
till the time we are here, breathing ,we deserve some explanation.
We deserve a system of faith that won't fall apart with every tiny firecracker explosion,
the truth that lasts,strong and steady.Not just another illusion.
We may not reach the shores with the wave we are creating,
but someone will.And that's reason enough to get started,isn't it?

Random Thoughts

Like we are born,die,we must! I am not sure if we are born to accomplish a certain role,fulfill some purpose on earth.from evolutionary point of view,it's proven that only the fittest survive n conserve their race.we,as individuals have been allotted some time on this planet.I don't know if it's length n quality is pre-decided.though I certainly hope that it's not.like we were born out of sheer luck n survived so far through chance,my simple logic says,our future shall be no different from matters of luck n chances.

I am talking about those aspects of our existence which are beyond our control.and I don't intend to slip into negativism here.I am talking about the facts that we can't change by the virtue of our finite capacities as human beings.we are mortal n all the people we see around today won't be there after a 100 yrs.after death,our bodies too,will decompose and become inorganic.becoming one with the earth.as such,life just appears as a journey from randomness to randomness.so now the question that bothers me is what should I do to impart more meaning and orderliness to this inherently random existence?

Being born as a human being whose thinking horizons stretch beyond the mundane concerns of survival,I can't be wrong in questioning some basic aspects of the existence of my species and life in general.I am saying this because many people discourage us from thinking on these lines.They fear that we might lose our faith and wander purposelessly like a satellite,that has slipped out of it's orbit.when your basic beliefs on which you structure your entire life are shaken to the roots,what will remain to keep us on that proverbial 'track'?there would remain no fear of doing wrong or a compelling reason to do right, with boundaries between good n bad,moral immoral,turning so faint.This world will become chaotic beyond measure.BUT, reasoning like this only justifies why we need the system of faith and religion,but it doesn't go even close to answering 'the' question.to be or not to be..I don't expect any religion or philosophy to answer that question because first of all,it's beyond our comprehension,and secondly,every human has a unique way of dealing with it.

If life is intrinsically meaningless outside the confines of survival and procreation,then what can be done to make this journey more spirited and hassle free? To this, everyone has to find an answer at an individual level.Knowing life's futility and hence directing our efforts towards making it a little sensible and altogether enjoyable is important.This awareness of the reason behind doing what we do is a sort of spiritual awakening,I think.Many people just go through life without pausing and giving it any thought.This awareness will help us want to survive through some bumpy patches this path has on offer.

For me,my love(most importantly for myself and my close ones),compassion towards all living beings, being able to do something real and worthwhile for them,exploring my inner world,purifying myself as a human,being able to appreciate complexities of human nature and it's depiction in the form of various arts seems to impart some sense to my life.It need not necessarily make sense to others.not even to you may be.But that's not necessary.I have my perceptions and my beliefs that make sense to me,and prevent me from getting distraught thinking about the sheer absurdity of life..


the article was written after i read about the different stages of putrefaction/decomposition of human body after death,(a part of my syllabus)which usually begins almost immediately after death..a process of converting a human into a skeleton.it just got me thinking and one thought led to the other,culminating into this article..

Who is your best friend?

I have forgiven her
for all the wrongs she has done so far,
for all the mistakes she did knowingly or unknowingly,
for all her inadequacies,
for all her designing n functional faults,
for all the wrong decisions she has made,
for all the harsh words she has uttered and the pain it caused to others and to herself,
for all the stupidities she has done..
and in turn,she forgave me
for being so harsh to her,
for being so critical about everything she did ,
for judging her based on other people's opinions ,
for cursing her for something that was never her fault ,
for hating her unconditionally,
for digging up past events to make her feel bad about herself,
for not appreciating her enough whenever she did anything commendable..

BUT now,

Now we have patched up our frayed relations.
my savage brutality towards her is over.
we love each other now.
and I've found my best friend in her.
now she confides in me without hesitation.
because,now she knows that i would never leave her side.
even if she does something stupid,she knows i would still love her.
even if she fails,she will not be afraid of trying again.
because, I am there to support her through her journey of life
And I have accepted her just the way she is.
and she said,this tranquility and peace will encourage her to improve herself in a healthy atmosphere.
she is confident that,with my support, she can survive even the biggest setbacks in life,
and still come out as a winner.
I will always listen to her and she will march ahead in life fearlessly.
We are now best friends.and shall never part ways again.
How can we? when she happens to live right 'WITHIN ME'.
My soul,my mind,my heart..I don't know what to call her,
apart from knowing that she is somewhere inside,who makes me what I am.what I think.what I do. 'SHE IS ME'.
And I am happy to say that I love myself!with all the faults.with all the inadequacies.with all the imperfections.
Nobody is born perfect!we work on ourselves all the time towards improvement.
But it is equally important to love ourselves through this process.and never be too hard on ourselves when we fail to meet our own expectations.
for where are we gonna go?we can run away from the world but how can we run away from ourselves?
We can't.
So give yourself another chance.
So what if you failed?Get up,dust off the dirt n start again.
Don't let others decide how you should be treating yourself.get rid of that burden of guilt and start afresh!
We all make our share of mistakes n stupidities and this is precisely how we learn and grow.
your confidence,your faith,your spirit lies right within you.just listen to it!
You can't afford to cross swords with it.
As someone has wisely said-"You can't expect to win a battle,when your enemy has his outposts in Your Head"
So,go ahead.It's time to shake hands with your best friend :)








-this article is for all those who are excessively critical towards themselves and never seem to be happy for whatever they are.guys,ease up.loosy-goosy baby.take a chill pill.love thy neighbor but more importantly, love thyself...


-a non stop preacher.