Stirrings

(wrote a long while ago.blogging now)
I am scared of myself. From what they see,people often call me sweet,nice,agreeable,helping etc.but i only know how different i am than what i appear to people.There is a very dark,dangerous side to me that is exclusively inside my head.We say every person has two faces.a good one and a bad one. but the bad face i own is particularly dangerous.. i guess because of my constant thinking of cause and effect theory,i've come to a stage where i can somehow justify and even trivialize some of the worst crimes that the history of human society has witnessed. by justify, i don't mean i approve of them. i only mean that i can understand the circumstances that led someone to commit those crimes. and suddenly that feeling of extreme disgust and disbelief regarding a crime is replaced by an indifferent,calculated,cold reason. Intellect is a double edged sword. if someone is smart enough,their intellect combined with a prolonged period of self-imposed exile can eventually cause them to be,at least for a while,a nihilist -someone who is disillusioned and no longer believes in anything that is regarded by the society as typically good or bad. everything loses its meaning and what stares back at you is a meaningless,absurd,dangerously isolated,silent world full of evil. A feeling of being defeated by life. mocked by life. like an unknown power giving out a malicious laugh from behind the veil that is pulled over our eyes. a realization that all the promises made to us were hollow and that we were so juvenile to believe in them. the new realization that liberates you also leaves you defeated.

I've my periods of nihilism alternating with the commonplace hope and utopia. I don't know what's the exact tipping point that causes me to shift from one extreme to the other. it might be a very small thing such as reading a comment on facebook or seeing something trivial on television. just about anything can set me off and so begins the cyclone of thoughts that ultimately washes me off to either of the philosophical shores. But for the outside world, i have pretty much learnt to look even all the time. the puzzle can be locked into deeper corners in my head for later unriddling when i am alone.

It is the nihilist phase that is scary. mainly because it can not be challenged, for it is 'the' fundamental truth. and boy, is it bitter? slowly the feeling of silent defeat is replaced by anger. the great frustration now seeks revenge upon a faceless enemy .hence,although this phase is unsettling, it is also empowering. Anger makes me feel strong.do things i won't dare to do otherwise. and now i can completely identify with captain ahab of moby-dick. someone who would dare god if he meets him to a mortal combat. even in the face of a certain defeat,he will fight. for the flawed, incoherent world that the god has created and for his cruel mockery of adding conscience into humans to perceive this incoherence and feel defeated by him for ever and ever. But you realize that even your anger is futile. it is justifiable but where does it lead? nowhere. what does it achieve? nothing. and who does it fight against? nobody. it just burns inside you and eats you,erodes you from within,withering away all the compassion,love,fairness and hope in you. you don't even feel human anymore.. you have just destroyed everything that you once stood for. you are defeated but still brimming with pride. you are acutely aware of your intellectual sharpness and think of yourself as an elite superhuman. someone who need not obey the laws made for the mediocre people. but the same unforgiving self analysis also tells you that your pride is all hollow. like a bloated balloon that even a lowly,mediocre ordinary pin can instantly burst. you see the examples of random kindness in the world amidst the harrowing evil. you wonder how some people still have hope. can't they see that it will still be ultimately meaningless no matter how much they strive for a meaning? how can they be so involved with life? so devoted to living and doing everything human'ish'? are they dumb? because if they are smart like me then,they will join me in this gloomy, hopeless ride to nowhere. is ignorance bliss? ohh..it is not my fault that i am capable of dissecting things until i find the truth. it is not my fault that i can see through the veil. if i am smart then why am i not happy? how do these people get to be happy and at peace while i am tossing and turning on the inside? it is not fair. nothing is fair.nothing.

But then slowly another realization occurs to you. being aware is any day better than being ignorant. but may be it's the reaction to the truth where i am missing the whole point. why fight? why not accept? accept not as in defeat but coming to terms with an unchangeable,solid reality. why not just give yourself completely to life? you can't fight against yourself. you are a product of this nature too, you are bound by its laws so whether you like it or not, you have to play along. for your own sake. for your happiness. for the love of someone. make someone happy. save a life. you are far too smart to realize that your good deeds won't place you on any higher moral ground because inherently there is no morality or goodness. your nihilist friend has told you that already. so whatever you do, you do it because it feels good that way. without expectations. they say it's a human need to be loved. i say differently. i say the real human need is to have someone to love. to see your pain in their eyes and help them to ease your inner turmoil. god left us here to fend for ourselves and the best way to express your frustration is not by taking a sword and going on a war with him but by helping another suffering soul and bringing some harmony in the chaos, some steadiness in the turbulence..

and thus, the cyclone this time has washed me away to the other, rather peaceful shore.
but slyly waiting for another blast of wind to throw me off into the water so it can again swirl me and take me to the other side from where it just brought me back.

and the sweeping of the poor me from here to there just goes on...

p.s. i am not a psychiatric patient. trust me.